


Her

by Miss_Ellygant



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: F/F, Harassment, Other, Sexual Harassment, Transgender
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-06
Updated: 2017-11-09
Packaged: 2018-11-28 13:04:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11418561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miss_Ellygant/pseuds/Miss_Ellygant
Summary: Momo was a girl with a dream, to share her gift and passion with the world. Together with her best friends Sana and Mina, they had that one goal in mind.But the road to success is filled with obstacles. Especially when you're forced to keep a secret about the very essence of your being...





	1. Foreword

I'll start this off by saying im aware this might be a controversial topic to some of you, but if so, thats likely because you are misinformed.

To that end, i will leave my curiouscat link here and make myself available to answer any questions you might have.

https://curiouscat.me/KoreanHypeTrain

I am a transgender woman and i had this idea to write a popular kpop idol being transgender. Im being cautious with this fic, to not spread any harmful stereotypes and try to portray the trans experience and problems as accurately as possible. That being said, i can really only write about my experience. This does NOT mean mine is the only valid one. There are a ton of people, both binary trangender and enbys (non binary) with their own story to tell, and they are just as valid as mine. Had my experience been different, so would this fic be.

Disclaimer: i am generally not a writer so progress for this fic will be up to how often i get inspired. I want to write smth i can be proud about

>  
You can find me on twitter, @GayoonIsMyQueen, hope you enjoy my fic.

trigger warning: possible slurs/violence (im unsure what direction im taking this in yet, but just in case)


	2. Origins

Momo woke up that day feeling really excited. Momo got out of bed and just saw looking at her  boring room, a reminder of the life she would leave behind. It was very pale, boring and bland. A small one bed room with white wallpaper, basic wooden and almost no furniture. The only part of her room she felt was her own was her fangirl corner. She kept all her idols there, the reasons for her inspiration.  It was there that her magic happened. Where she had all her ideas, where she choreographed magic.  
As momo got dressed, she began to reminisce about her past, the events that led her into the amazing adventure she was about to embark on.  
  
She was a loner at 7 years old. She spent her days dancing on a big open field that was always deserted. She felt happy doing what she loved the most all day long, but at the same time, she wishes she had someone to share her passion with. One day, two girls around her age came to play on the same field she was always in. One was dancing so gracefully, young Momo couldn’t help but stare, mesmerized. The other was singing with the most joyful voice Momo had ever heard. The girls seemed to be having the time of their lives. Momo wanted to approach them, but she had grown accustomed to being lonely.   
  
The shorter, cheery girl skipped over to Momo, and asked her:  
“Im Sana Minatozaki, what's your name?”  
“M-m-mo-mo Hirai” , she shyly replied.  
“That's Mina Myoui, my best friend” Mina was very focused on her dancing and didn’t notice the exchange between Momo and Sana  
“Do you want to be our friend?”  
Momo was stunned by Sana's forwardness and wasn’t able to say anything so she shyly nodded.  
That is how Momo met her two life long best friends.  
  
Weeks passed and the three girls met daily at the field to play together. Momo learned that Mina's dance was called ballet and a lot of other fun things. But something felt off to Sana and Mina. Momo definitely had fun playing with them, but at the same time, there was something that seemed to bother her during all their time together. Sana and Mina also couldn’t understand why they were the only friends that Momo had, why she seemed to avoid people outright, and why she spent as much time away from home as she could. It was like that field was her real home. Momo seemed embarrassed to talk about any of this and Mina grew worried. Mina believed she was good at reading people, like she could understand others better than even herself.   
  
“Something feels wrong about Momo, but I cant quite point out what it is.”   
“There is?” – Sana was confused about this as she usually paid a lot less attention to those tiny little details around her, and so she just stared at Mina with her typical blank wondering eyes.  
“Im going to find out whats bothering her, and when I do, im going to confront her about it. I really need your help on this Sana.”  
“Of course I'll help, we're friends for life right?” – Sana always had this unwavering positivity that was very contagious, it was very difficult to feel sad around her.  
  
And then more weeks went by. They grew more user to Momo's personality and Mina started subtly paying the maximum attention possible to Momo. And that's when she saw it. When she thought they werent looking, Momo spent all the time she could watching her and Sana's flowy dresses, her eyes sparkling.  
She waited a couple more days to confirm her theory and discuss it with Sana, and everytime the same thing happened. Momo was fascinated by their clothes. But there was something more to it… something she wouldn't be able to figure out on her own.  
  
 Confronting Momo wasn’t something they wished to do. This shouldn’t feel like an interrogation, Momo was their best friend and from the way Momo tried to hide her feelings, Mina knew this would make her really uncomfortable. But it had to be done. To be able to help Momo, they needed to know what was bothering her.  A “calm after the storm” sort of situation.  
  
And so she took a deep breath and confronted Momo about that.   
“Momo, do you like your clothes?” Momo always had a plain white tee and basic jeans  
“Yes I do, why?”  
“Its just I notice you looking at our dresses with a very telling look in your eyes. Its as if you were jealous of us for getting to wear them”  
Momo started blushing and panicking, violently shaking her head while on the verge of tears.  
Sana and Mina immediately got closer to Momo and held her in a warm embrace.   
“Its okay Momo. We love you. You're our very best friend in the world.”  
Mina asked her again if she liked her clothes.  
Momo was sobbing, and shook her head.  
“Why don’t you wear clothes you do like?”  
Momo was incapable of saying anything, so Mina stuck with yes or no questions.  
“Would you like to wear clothes similar to ours?”  
She softly nodded.  
Mina and Sana were very confused as to why Momo was so upset by something so simple, but right then, that didn’t matter. All that mattered was their best friend was seriously upset, the reason why could come at a later date.  
  
Momo was still in Mina and Sana's loving embrace, clinging to them. They stopped like that for a while, in silence, waiting for her to calm down.   
As it got late, all she could say was a barely audible “thank you…” as they said goodbye to each other.  
The next day, the girls had a surprise for Momo. She was feeling better, like a portion of a huge weight was lifted off her shoulders, but she was still upset. But then she saw the present they brought for her. A flowy cute dress, just like the one her two best friends had! Momo was so happy, she ran and tackled hugged them both.   
After she was on top of the world, the happiest she had ever been, Momo finally felt confident enough to explain everything to them.  
She took a deeeeeep breath and she started:  
  
“Im a girl, as you know. But everyone in my life keeps insisting I am a boy. I got slapped by my parents when I told them I wanted girl clothes. The kids at school made fun of me. Everybody treats me differently, and it hurts.”  
Yes, Momo was assigned male at birth. In other words, she was transgender.  
Sana and Mina immediately ran to hug her again.   
  
“We don’t care what anyone else in the world says. You’re Hirai Momo, our best friend and the cutest girl we know. You can always be yourself around us.”  
Momo was trying her best not to cry, but it was in vain. She hugged them like she would never let go. That was the moment she knew she had made friends for life, friends that would stick with her through thick and thin. She would always be able to count on Mina and Sana, the two angels that blessed her life. And to the present day, that had stayed a true fact.  
  
The rest of her past was spent with Mina and Momo and only Mina and Momo, as the trio dived deeper and deeper into the performance world, trying to improve their skills in pursuit of their dream: To one day, debut together and become performers loved world wide.  
They created their own mini idol group and had a couple of live performances at a few minor events.  It wasn’t anything major, it was just practice and hard work, trying to get experience here and there, always with their dream in mind.   
  
And it had all led up to today. She lived alone. Her parents never accepted the fact she was transgender and made her life a living hell, so Mina and Sana helped her raise enough money to raise a very simple apartment. She owed them so much, they never let her down. As Momo stopped reminiscing, she smiled again and got out of the house to meet her best friends.


	3. A New Beginning

The inseparable trio was moving to Korea in pursuit of their dream. While its true they could have became idols in Japan, they had all grown in love with K-Pop. Girl's Generation, BoA, Kara, 4Minute and other groups who had a massive impact in Japan with their music made them realize that was the way to go. Why dream low and go for just one country, when they could go to the biggest asian music industry and share their gift with a much wider audience?  
It was a decision they thought about and discussed for a very long time, but it felt like an obvious choice now. But as they took the first step inside the plane, they froze for a second. They were so excited about making meaningful progress with their dream that they didn’t realize the magnitude of what they were about to do. They were leaving home to go to a foreign country, which language they did not speak, where they knew nobody. A country that was known to be hostile to LGBT people. A country that had in some parts, a very strong anti japanese sentiment. All these feelings came down at the girls at once, in a time span of just a few seconds, and they had unimaginable weight. They felt like Atlas, with the weight of the entire world on their shoulders. They were young, still naïve and they hadnt considered until this point. All they thought about was the excitement and chasing their dream. Their minds connected like one, they each understood what each other were feeling.  And they had doubts. Could they really do this? As they remained frozen in place, blocking the line trying to get into the plane, a security guard asked them  
“are you three ladies feeling okay? Do you need help?”  
And once again, the world around them stopped, as they absorbed the words they just heard  
“You three ladies”  
“You THREE ladies”  
“you THREE LADIES” – Momo was extra excited at being called a lady, as that wasn’t very common for her excluding Mina and Momo.  
But as those simple yet very important words echoed in their head, they realized it. They had each other. And that's all they would ever need. And as they made that realization, the fear dissipated and they confidently stepped into the plane, sitting side by side.  
The arrival to Korea was spectacular. None of them had ever been there before and they were mesmerized. They had raised some money, and immediately started looking for a place to rent. However,  but to no one's surprise, Seoul had very uninviting prices. They couldn’t afford to live away from the capital though, as their limited budget would disappear if thry had to spend money on transportation in addition to rent. After much searching, they found a small place in Gangnam-gu, very near to the JYPE headquarters.  
They spent the night in the cheapest motel they could find. It was falling apart, but they were all too tired and jetlagged to care about that. They just saw the big queen sized bed, the only good thing in that dump of a room, and they all fell asleep almost instantly, side by side.You   
The next day they checked out as fast as they could and prepared to settle in to their new home. They didn’t have much, but it was enough. The house had 1 bedroom, but it was big enough they all had room for their own personal space.  The single bed was more than big enough for all of them. They liked sleeping close to each other, they were family.  
The house barely had furniture, but that was intentional. They wanted as little distractions as possible and they wanted as much room as possible. And of course, this house wasn’t supposed to be anything permanent. Overall, the house was pretty bad which was why it was so cheap to rent, even in that location. But for their needs, it was perfect. It was shelter and it was their own private practice room.  
JYPE was having auditions in 2 weeks, and the girls gave it their all to practice for that. They knew that they definitely had what it takes to pass the audition but they couldn’t slack. They made a list of all the stuff they had to prepare for the audition. Choose and practice an audition performance, naturally. And practice their korean.  It didn’t have to be amazing, but they would need to understand what JYP would ask of them, not to mention it was indispensible now that they lived in Korea.  
But momo had something else on her mind.. something very troubling that could outright ruin her chances of making the audition. Her voice. But that wasn’t all that was wrong with her.  
 When Momo first met Mina and Sana, all that bothered her were how she was denied her own choice of clothes by her parents. As her friends helped her with that problem, Momo had several years of being truly happy, completely oblivious to what was to come. And then puberty hit. As Mina and Sana were hit hard by puberty and became more beautiful than she ever thought possible, she walked several backwards steps. As they grew s, she grew facial hair. As their singing voices reached angelic levels, Momo's became afraid to open . She had become more loose, first around her best friends, and then overall, but puberty undid all that. As puberty hit, Momo felt like she was in hell. The confidence she had came to develop across the years vanished. It was like their bodies were puzzles. And while her best friends got all the puzzle pieces they wanted, the ones that fit, Momo was given puzzle pieces that did not fit, and yet they were being forced into her body puzzle against her will, making a big mess of the whole thing. She started getting depressed, and even borderline suicidal in some days where she felt worse. Mina and Sana were understanding as always, and if it weren’t for their outstanding emotional support, Momo wasn't sure if she would still be here to fight for her dream. With time however, it got easier to deal with. It didn’t hurt less, she just got used to the pain. As the trio researched more on the subject, Momo for herself and her friends to understand her better, they realized it could be fixed. She could be healed!  
Of course nothing is ever free and while they now knew it could be fixed, her dysphoria could be healed, the fact that wasn’t gonna happen anytime soon hit momo really hard. She became to question if she would ever see her true self again. The only time she didn’t feel dysphoria was when she was dancing. Which is why she spent as much time as possible dancing, even to the point of self harm, going way past her body's limits. Because to her, a little bit of physical pain and sore joints was nothing compared to the pain that dysphoria caused on her.  
And now she was in Korea, a country less than famous for their attitude on transgender people, and her doubts about if she would ever be able to transition grew bigger by the day. How was she supposed to audition without talking? One word would be enough to out herself. And Momo knew that if she was discriminated against, Sana and Mina would also reject the trainee position, even if (or rather when, she had complete  confidence that her best friends would easily pass the audition) that meant throwing away their dreams. Because while their dreams to debut meant the world to them, Momo meant more. She had 2 weeks to get a passable female sounding voice, and she had absolutely no idea how to go about doing that. She kept practicing her korean and her dancing, and secretly browsing youtube, searching for voice feminization guides that she would practice when alone. Sana and Mina had so much on their plate already, Momo didn’t want to add to their stress, even if she knew they would prefer knowing about her problem.  
And so two weeks passed. The three girls kept their routine up and they felt confident in their performances.   
They woke up together that day and headed for the JYPE building.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again would like to remind everyone that this isn't the only valid trans experience. Puberty was a living hell for me, and so that's how i described it. Some trans people only realize they are trans a lot later in life, some even in their mid thirties or later, so ofc they didn't feel that way.  
> Dysphoria is also hard to describe, so i did my best to try and make a cis person understand what it's like. Hope you all learned something with this chapter :D


	4. The Audition

While Momo felt more than confident in her dancing as she had spent more time practicing than probably anyone, she still hadn't dealt with her problem. She made little progress with her voice and was panicking, but only internally, as she didn’t want to worry Sana and Mina at such a crucial time.  
The JYP building was huge, with album covers of all their artists on the side of the building. Miss A, Wonder Girls, 2PM, Got7, they were all there.  Despite living so close to it, they had never really looked at this majestic building. For a moment, as she was looking at the album covers, Momo's fears vanished and the girls thought in sync “Maybe one day we'll be the ones up there”.  
The lobby was nowhere near as great. It was very big, like something you might expect to see in a luxury hotel, but besides that, there wasn’t much to it. As the girls asked the secretary where they should go for the audition they were directed to the second floor, where a huge stage awaited them. To their surprise, there were only two other girls there. They expected the place to be packed, but maybe because JYP was very strict during auditions, people just tried their luck elsewhere. And then he arrived. The man himself,  Park Jin Young. He had a very strong aura surrounding him as he waltzed past the 5 girls and took his seat.   
“First audition.” – he confidently said. It wasn’t said as a question but rather as a “come here right now and show me what you can do” sort of tone. Momo felt intimidated by it.  
The first girl was a bit shorter than Momo. She had black hair, but the thing that most stood out about her was her cute rabbit teeth. She got up on stage, did a respect bow and smiled brighly to JYP.  
“Name?”   
“Im Nayeon”  
“Okay you can start”  
And without hesitation, she did. She was dancing to a song that Momo knew well, “Shake It Off” by Taylor Swift, but it was self choreographed. It was amazing to watch. Momo rarely had the chance to see other people dance in real life, right in front of her, and it made her happy to see. She glanced over to Mina and Sana and they were both mesmerized. Nayeon could sing too. Not as good as Sana though, Momo thought to herself. Time flew by and her audition was soon over. And that's when JYP started talking.  
“Your choreography was very good and you seem to have talent for that. However, you seemed overly confident in your singing and went off key a few times. Your high note was pitch perfect and overall you did good, but don’t get too complacent. I don’t keep people who get complacent “  
Nayeon, clearly thinking she did better than she did had her smile wiped off her face and her confidence hit, and it took her a while to fully absorb JYP's final words.   
“Congratulations, you're in. Now don’t make me regret it.”  
Momo was intimidated by the whole thing. They were truly in the big leagues.   
“Next” – he said, no emotion in his face whatsoever  
Another girl, this time much taller than Momo climbed onto the stage. She had black long hair and was visibly nervous.   
“Name?” – he coldly asked again  
“Yoon Heo Mi” – the girl shyly replied  
Then she started singing “Baby One More Time” by Britney Spears, a song that didn’t fit her at all becaquse her voice wasn’t nasal at all. Despite that, she was doing a very good job, which surprised momo. Until she had a voice crack. Yoon started crying instantly, it almost looked like a panic attack.   
“Next” – JYP said again, not a single word said about the scene that just happened in front of him.  
Momo felt bad for Yoon, but at the same time thought she deserved it because she didn’t practice enough.  It would hopefully be a wakeup call for her.  
Mina was next in line, and she looked very confident. Mina was the best dancer that Momo knew, tied  with herself of course, so Momo wasn’t nervous for her at all.   
“Name?”  
“Myoui Mina”  
She had practiced a ballet from the Nutcracker, “Dance of the Sugarplum Fairy”, by Tchaikovsky.  
Momo had seen her practice many times, and each time was as magical as the next. For the first time that day, JYP did show some emotion. He was mesmerized, absolutely captivated by her dancing.  
After her performance ended, the first thing JYP did was clap.   
And then he just said “Welcome to JYP, you're a trainee now”  
Mina’s smile then was the most bright smile Momo had ever seen her do, and it was a joy to watch.  
Then came Sana's turn.  
Name?  
“Minatozaki Sana”  
Sana sang a j-pop song, “Follow Me” by E-Girls. It was a very upbeat song that fit her personality to a T. And just as when Momo heard her during practice, it was like listening to an angel sing.  
Finally, the veredict: “I think there is definitely a lot to improve on, but you have potential, and even more importantly I can tell you have a lot of passion. Welcome to JYP, you're a trainee now. Next”  
At last, Momo's turn had arrived. She got up on stage,and waited for the question. “Name?” he asked her  
“H-h-hirai Momo” – she said in an almost inaudible volume, terrified she would out herself.  
“Excuse me, could you repeat that?”  
But as Momo heard her music start playing, she pretended not to hear JYP and just danced. She did what nobody else could do like her, and she danced to her heart's content to her own self choreographed version of Tinashe's 2 on. And once again, just like Mina, JYP was completely mesmerized. But Momo lacked something that Mina showed, and that was confidence. Not on stage, Momo’s dancing was the thing she felt the most confident about. But as soon as she wasn’t dancing, her confidence vanished. And JYP noticed that.   
And so as Momo's performance ended, he didn’t say yes or no. Instead, he asked all the other girls to leave the room for a bit, as he wanted to talk with Momo privately. And as they did, JYP approached Momo.   
“Momo, right? I'll be honest here, your dancing is among the best I have ever seen across my entire career. But as much as I want to say yes and accept you as a trainee, something seems… off about you.”  
Momo was listening nervous and just silently nodded.   
“Let me hear your voice, say something! Isnt this your dream?!”   
Momo took a deep breath and tried to pull the most natural sounding female voice she could…  
“It is my dream. Its been my dream, - she briefly paused – OUR dream since we were children. Me, Mina and Sana want this more than anything”  
…but failed. Having outed herself, she started panicking and tearing up, but kept trying her hardest to keep her composure. She just stood there silently, as JYP absorbed what had just happened.  
“Aren't you a girl?”  
“I AM!”   
Momo surprised herself at her outburst towards JYP, but her gender was a very sensitive topic to her and feeling invalidated was terrifying to her.  
“I'm transgender…” she continued, at this point with tears rolling down her cheeks.  
“I can help you with that. I can accept you as a trainee, as well as pay for any transition related expenses, to make sure you become like a normal girl as fast as possible”  
Momo squirmed at hearing the words “a normal girl”. She was already a normal girl dammit! She just had a few quirks left to solve. But she was in no position to say no.  
“On one condition.  You are strictly forbidden, by contract to ever tell anyone you are transgender. Korea is wildly transphobic and I don’t need that type of negative press brought onto my company. Failure to comply to this part of the contract will result in legal action taken against you. Do you agree to my terms?”  
She froze as she heard JYP talking. Once upon a time, Momo had been truly embarrassed about being transgender, feeling deep shame in herself. At the present time, while she wasn’t exactly proud of it either, she accepted it. She wasn’t ashamed or proud, she just was. But dysphoria was hitting her harder and harder, and Momo wasn’t sure how long she could last like this, even with Sana and Mina's support. It was taking a mental toll at her, crack by crack,until she would, without a shadow of doubt, permanently break. And with that in mind, Momo took a deep breath,wiped her tears, and gave it her all to force a smile. And then she finally said: “I do”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter could have been a lot better if i actually knew anything about the performance arts, but i dont know anything at all, so i couldnt really delve into specifics like a real judge would. Also, i'm sure yall OG Twice fans will recognize all the audition songs ;)


	5. Harisu

The days that followed the audition, the girls had their hands full with moving into the trainee dorms. They tried asking JYP for a room together, and he was actually nice enough to give it to them, which made them really happy. Now that the stress from the audition was behind their backs, Momo finally told her best friends everything. How she was feeling the days prior to the audition, the dysphoria she felt hearing herself speak, and what happened in that stage after they were asked to leave her and JYP alone. Mina and Sana listened very carefully, and blamed themselves for not paying enough attention to Momo to realize she was going through such a bad time. However, Momo comforted them, or more accurately, they comforted each other, and soon enough everything was back to normal again. They had made it, they were JYP trainees. The first step in their life long dream was complete! And they couldn't have done it without each other.  
Momo then proceeded to explain to her friends how she had a different, more packed schedule. She had voice feminization lessons, endocrinology appointments, and JYP was pushing her into surgery as well, but she stood firm on that. Momo knew she had a very big thing to leverage with, and that was her talent. JYP was a smart man, and she knew he wouldn't let her go that easily. Momo had nothing against surgery, but she wanted to see what the natural process would do to her first. Well, with the exception of bottom surgery, but it was way too early to be thinking about that.  
They then came out of their room to meet the rest of the trainees. Oddly enough, apart from Nayeon, the dorm seemed to be empty. So they decided to go to the JYPE building and practice.  
When they got there, there was a lot of noise, and the practice room was clearly already being used. They saw two girls, much younger than them, dancing together.  
The three Japanese girls just watched from afar as the trainees did their practice. Upon closer look, Mina noticed they were twins.  
"Hi there, you must be the new trainees!"  
They jumped, surprised at the sudden approach from behind. The girl that approach them had a big smile on her face, and she had the poise of someone who had been there for many years and knew the ropes inside and out.  
"My name is Park Jihyo, and those are Lee Chaeryeong and Chaeyeon, they are twin sisters."  
"Hello, we are Mina, Momo and Sana, we came here from Japan" - Momo didn't understand a few of the words Mina said, her Korean wasn't as fluent as hers yet.

"So how long have you been a trainee here for?" - Mina asked.  
"10 years now. It's a bit upsetting seeing trainees that joined after me debut first, but i know my time will come soon if I keep training hard"  
Mina was stunned to hear those words. 10 years? TEN?! A whole decade waiting around for debut? She was there and saw Miss A debut before she did. Mina didnt think she would have that type of resolve, to be able to take that sort of rejection like that. Immediately, she had admiration for Jihyo's spirit.  
Meanwhile, the Chae twins had finished practicing. As they saw Jihyo, they ran to her and hugged her, it was clear they were really close. How long she had been there, her overall approaching attitude. Mina was sure she was very supportive and protective of her friends as well, the mom figure of the group. Jihyo's smile was beautiful and made anybody drop their guard around her. The usual shy, unconfident Momo found herself smiling brightly at the image in front of her, like she was watching a family.  
Then the girls noticed that one of the twins was hiding, behind Jihyo, seemingly intimidated by their presence.  
"Don't worry about Chaeyeon, she's just very shy."  
"My name is Chaeryeong, its really nice to meet you."  
Her little kid image disappeared when she talked, she seemed very mature and and definitely older than she really was. In contrast, Momo appeared much younger than she really was when she talked. Mina found that really cute.  
"We are Mina, Sana and Momo, and we came here from Japan." She made a pause, seemingly thinking about something.  
"It's really nice to meet you"  
Momo and Sana burst out laughing at those words, as Mina realized she had just said them in Japanese.  
The twins and Jihyo were very confused but simply started laughing along.  
"Do you girls know any k-pop choreographies? Maybe we could practice together"  
And so they each chose a song:  
Jihyo chose Miss A's hush, a slower song to start them off with.  
Momo chose 9Muses' Wild, one of her favorite songs.  
Sana chose Gfriend's Glass Bead. They were a group that very recently debuted. Sana loved them, but she was surprised to know everyone said they knew the choreography for that song.  
Mina chose I Just Wanna Dance from SNSD's one and only Tiffany Hwang.  
And so the girls started practicing, and Momo felt happy she had just made new friends. Sana was a singer, not a dancer, so all her choreographies came lut messy, which made Momo laugh. She did a lot better than she expected though, it was clear Sana had been practicing dance alone. But in the middle of all that, on the back of her mind, she kept wondering if they would still like her if they knew her secret... Jihyo definitely felt like someone who would be unbothered by that, but even so, Momo couldnt help but wonder..  
After they finished practicing, Momo had to say goodbye to all her friends. She had a voice feminization lesson.

The address Momo arrived to wasn't a clinic like she expected. It was a very luxurious apartment, very roomy and well decorated. There were 3 couches surrounding a small round glass table, and there was a very beautiful woman sitting on one of them. Momo let herself in, knocked to get her attention, and bowed.  
"Oh hello, you must be Momo."  
Her voice sounded so adorable and feminine and Momo felt eager to start.  
"My name is Harisu and I will be your vocal coach. Do you have any questions or are you ready to begin?"  
Questions? Hell no, questions could be asked later. Right now, all Momo wanted was to get rid of her dysphoria enducing voice.  
"Have you ever done anything like this before?"  
Momo shook her head. "I watched a few youtube videos on it, but I didnt have much success. Or any, to be perfectly honest." Momo's usual shy and nervous self seemed to be gone when talking to this beautiful woman. Something about her just made Momo feel safe and confident, so she was able to speak freely.

"Well, that's what I'm here to help with. I know you're probably wondering about my gender, so let me give you a little bit of extra motivation, as if you needed any."  
She paused and focused for a second.  
"My name is Harisu and I was the second person to legally change my name in Korea. That's all you need to know for now."  
Momo was extremely surprised, because Harisu had said that with a very low, a lot manlier voice than the one she was using initially. She basically did a before and after demonstration for her, and Momo was blown away by it.  
"I really hate going that low, but I figure I could show you the magic at work. That being said, let's begin."  
Momo was listening with full attention, the most she ever had for anything in years.  
"Put your hand in your larynx, your Adam's apple, whatever you wanna call it."  
Momo obediently complied  
"Now swallow. Feel it going up? This is gonna be the main focus of the initial lessons, developing larynx control. After you swallow, try and hold it up there for as long as you can. It's normal to not be able to breathe while you do this, so don't overdo it."  
Momo practiced that for about 10 minutes. She had seen Mina and Sana practice their singing a lot so she picked up on a few stuff, which turned this into an easier task.  
"You're doing good. Now say the word "up." You'll feel your larynx hop slightly. Say it repeatedly, raising the pitch each time. You're a performer so you should be familiar with the musical scale, which should make this a lot easier for you."  
Surely enough, Momo could easily do what her teacher was asking of her.  
"Now comes the tricky part, which can be frustrating. It can't coach you perfectly on this, as this is a matter of feel. After you feel you reached the highest you can go, make an effort to go higher one more time until you feel your voice crack. After you feel this and you've reached falsetto, slowly work your way downwards and try to find a natural high voice that feels somewhat natural."  
Harisu exemplified, but even then Momo kept failing this part. She kept sounding like anything but natural, like a guy trying to do a girl voice. After another half hour of practice, with little success, the lesson was over. Harisu did a recap with Momo and gave her some final pointers, but Momo was a bit disappointed with how little progress she felt she had made.  
Harisu called Momo to offer her a proposal.  
"JYP only asked for my help to work on your voice, but i know the man. I'm sure he wants to keep your gender identity a secret. I am an idol too, except I came out in the early 2000s. In addition to being your voice coach, I can become your mentor in your transition, if you so wish. We'd meet more transgender people, and you'd have a safe space to just be yourself, no fear of being judged. Rest assured, I will do my very best to make sure it WILL be a safe space and nobody leaks your secret.  
You're about to embark on a hell of a journey, my dear Momo, and it would be a lot easier with more people to rely on. You don't need to answer right away, especially because since we just met it's normal you don't trust me yet. The door remains open though. Goodbye and until next lesson, don't forget to practice.  
After she said goodbye to Harisu, Momo stopped to absorb everything. If her secret got out, her dream of debuting would be gone, and so would her transition would come to a full stop again, it was very expensive and hard to find people. It's not that Momo didnt trust Harisu's intentions, but she had her doubts as to whether she would be able to stop her secret from leaking. On the other hand, talking to other people just like her and hearing their stories felt really appealing to Momo. She couldn't decide if it was worth the risk..  
She came back to reality and went back to her dorm room, excited to tell her best friends everything that had just happened in that luxurious place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, big thanks to my friend apps ( http://archiveofourown.org/users/candy_bong) for helping me get over my writers block that i was stuck on for a while, and for proof reading this for me.  
> Secondly, for all that dont know this. Harisu (Lee Kyung Eun) is a real person. She is indeed an idol that came out in the early 2000s, and she is also an angel, having paid for a transwoman's surgery because she couldnt afford it. She also opened a transgender club in southern Seoul for the community.  
> Source: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harisu
> 
> Lastly, the voice lesson was mostly copied off reddit. It is the guide ive been following and seems to work pretty well, given enough practice (i still need a lot more practice though >.>)  
> Source (possible minor spoilers for future chapters): https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/1ske7b/mtf_voice_training_regimen?sort=new


	6. Feelings

Sana and Mina were really excited for Momo and felt really happy about seeing her finally progress on something that was leaving her depressed for years now.Momo asked them what she should do regarding Harisu's offer. The ever cheerful airhead Sana told her to definitely take the offer. Sana could only see the positives, how much fun Momo would have and how many friends she would be able to make.   
On the other hand, the more logical and calculist Mina advised her not to. On one hand, Mina, as kind as she was, didn't trust people blindly and without reason. Harisu seemed like a nice person, but Mina was very determined in making Momo doubt her at least a little and consider the possibility that her intentions might not be as pure as she made them seem. Mina knew what was on the line for her best friend, and she didn’t want her to throw it all away.   
Sana didn’t get her point of view. Sana trusted everyone and wanted to befriend the world. She thought she was like a shonen anime main character, using only the power of friendship to surpass every obstacle, befriending everyone, friends and enemies alike. Momo loved Sana’s ever present positivity. The world could be ending and she'd still find something positive to say.   
And so, with no progress made on her decision, the three friends left their room. They saw more new girls in the dorm. Jihyo, the omnipresent mother of the dorm was also there, so of course she started playing “matchmaker” right away.   
“Hi girls! How are you doing? Come meet the rest of the trainees!”  
While it was an invite, it was clear who was in charge there. Jihyo was very mature and intimidating? Momo didn’t know how to phrase it correctly, but Jihyo demanded respect. Maybe because she was a veteran trainee, maybe because of her maturity despite her young age, maybe a combination of both. But even so, Jihyo seemed more approachable than anyone, except for Sana.  
And so they followed her.  
“These are Chaeyoung, Tzuyu, Jiwon and Dahyun.”  
Dahyun just ran to them and hugged them all at once in a big group hug, which surprised them.   
Jihyo paused to laugh at this scene. Dahyun didn’t even know their name and was already this friendly and forward.   
“… and these are Momo, Sana and Mina.” Jihyo said with much effort, before bursting into laughter again.  
Dahyun started talking immediately.   
“HI TH TWINS TOLD ME ABOUR UR PRACTIC TOGETHR YESTERDAY AND AND I GOT SO EXCITED HEARING AND I WISH I WAS THERE U GOTTA PRACTICE WITH ME TOO SOON I – she seemed to blank out for a second –LOVE DANCING AND PERFORMI AND WAN TO HAV FUN TOGETHER”  
She talked really fast and was FULL of enthusiasm and it took the girls a few seconds to figure out what she was saying, but once they did they just all smiled and hugged Dahyun all at the same time, to which she responded with a very loud squeal. Dahyun was unique and made a heck of a first impression on anyone, a happy virus more energetic than Sana, something none of them thought was possible.  
Momo was scared that if Dahyun was already this forward, she would straight up tacklehug her as a greeting when they got closer and knew each other better.  
“Breathe, Dahyun, BREATHE,” Jihyo said.  
“Sorry about her, she's always like this. She's very… I guess friendly is one way to put it.”  
Tzuyu seemed like the exact opposite of her, she was playing with her hair the entire time, barely saying a word. Her beauty left them temporarily lovestruck. She had long brown hair, an amazing body line and one of the most beautiful faces the girls had ever seen.  
“Tzuyu doesn’t speak much Korean yet, she arrived from Taiwan recently.”  
Jiwon had a very powerful voice and Mina instantly knew she was a power vocal.  
She had short black hair and was small, she was tiny compared to Momo, and that somehow made her look really cute. Jiwon looked like the type of girl that may be tiny, but she could still kick your ass with ease.  
Meanwhile, Chaeyoung, the last girl, simply smiled and waved.  
“She doesn’t talk much.”  
After promising to practice with Dahyun soon, the girls excused themselves.  
Sana and Mina went out together, while Momo excused herself saying there was something very important she forgot she had to do.  
Something that Momo hated about being outside her dorm room is how she always had to be careful of what she said, because the walls have ears and one wrong step would throw her lifelong dream away, especially since she had to be careful to not do anything to misplace her breast forms, which made practicing with an audience something nerve-wracking.  
Today was a huge day for Momo. She kept quiet about it because she wanted to surprise her friends, but today was actually the day she was supposed to start hormone therapy.   
She had already done her blood tests, and while this is a process that usually takes months or even multiple years, depending on various circumstances, JYP easily bended that time with all his connections and money. While the only reason he wanted her to start so soon was so she would be as indistinguishable from a “normal” girl as possible, she didn't care at all. Not right then. Momo had waited so many years for this and it was finally there. She found the cheat codes to transition and she could breeze through it, and that felt better than she could explain with words.  
She entered the clinic and things went pretty standard. She was told to say JYP's name, so she did, and she got taken to the endocrinologist office. After a short chat telling Momo she was healthy, he gave the green light, along with prescriptions for testosterone blockers and the fabled estrogen! And much to Momo's surprise, an actual bottle of pills for each of them, which made her question if she had found the black market or the holy grail. Possibly the holy grail inside the black market?   
But that didn’t matter. Nothing mattered in comparison to what just happened. SHE WAS STARTING HORMONE THERAPY AFTER WAITING SO MANY YEARS. The feeling was… indescribable, too good to be true, and no words could it justice.  
She thanked the doctor and pretty much skipped around the entire way to her dorm room.  
Once she got there, she started shouting to her best friends what had just happened. Mina realized it and tackled Momo immediately, as she almost gave herself away in her excitement.   
Momo took a deep breath, showed them the hormones, and then she started crying. And then, after realizing what had just happened, both Sana and Mina hugged her, and they all started crying together. She had made it. This was actually happening. None of them were sad, in fact they were very happy, like this was a celebratory cry.  
And so they simply sat there, hugging in silence, crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for spending so long without updating, but I'm not really a creative person, or a particularly good writer, so writer blocks leave me stranded for who knows how long.  
> Anyways update is finally here, hope you all enjoy it !
> 
> As usual, big special thanks to my friend apps (https://archiveofourown.org/users/candy_bong) for helping me and proof reading it. Go read her stuff, it's good


	7. Sixteen

Days went by, then weeks, as every trainee kept up their routine, training daily and trying to improve themselves. Because Momo was so shy and was afraid anyone might discover her secret, she avoided other people as much as she could, with exception of course, of her two best friends. She kept seeing Harisu regularly for both psychological help and voice training. Voice coach and therapist, Harisu was both, she quickly became a mother figure for Momo, but she was still unsure about her proposal.  
But then something unexpected happened. JYP summoned all of them to the audition room.

  
Momo walked into the spacious, now familiar room, followed by her two best friends. Everyone was there. 13 other people besides them. She recognized most, she saw Tzuyu, the ever friendly Jihyo smiled directly at her, Dahyun straight up jumped and waved, Momo was sure she would have shouted if JYP wasn’t there. She also saw some unfamiliar faces, but at that point JYP got up on stage to talk so she didn’t have time to properly look at the new girls.

  
"Hello everyone. Everyone here is a JYP trainee, and I called you all for a very special reason. I’m going to start a survival show, with all of you being the contestants. It's going to be called Sixteen and it will start in one month. The final 8 will debut as a girl group. Shooting for your trailers starts this week, so bring your A-game. That is all, good luck."  
As they walked back to the dorm, Momo held both Sana and Mina's hands as hard as she could, and they knew something was wrong. When they arrived, Momo locked the door and broke down into tears. Sure, it was a huge opportunity, it was her dream to debut, but at the same time, she was going to get sent right into the middle of the public spotlight before she was ready to do it. She was still undergoing voice training, her body hadn't properly developed from hormones yet, and she was just an emotional wreck from said hormones.

  
As was normal by now, Sana and Mina just embraced her in a long, silent hug, and let Momo cry it out. They didnt say anything, because there was nothing they could say. But Harisu could.

  
And so her friends called Harisu, explained the situation, and Momo went to meet her to get guidance. When Momo arrived, Harisu hugged her before doing anything else. She was aware of the amount of pressure this was. Momo was always really hard on her own appearance, but Harisu reassured her that she looked amazing like always. She knew that as long as Momo was confident in herself, she could surpass any barrier. Momo was absolutely gorgeous, and with her voice steadily improving, there was really not any risk of her being outed. But Momo still felt lonely, she really only knew Harisu that she could relate to, so at that point, she got herself together and took the plunge.

  
"I want to accept your offer. I want to meet more people like me."

Harisu smiled, told Momo to make herself at home, and started making phone calls.

  
As Momo was stressed, Harisu thought it was better if instead of going out, she brought the party to Momo. And so around dinner time, the doorbell rang.

  
When the door opened, Momo saw a beautiful, extremely tall dark haired woman. She was more than tall enough to stand out in the street, but she knew how to own it, because she walked with visible confidence. The woman was wearing a black pantsuit with a white shirt and a black tie, and it fit her to the tee.

"Hi Harisu!"

They greeted with a hug and two kisses on the cheek, and Momo could tell they were close. The woman turned to Momo next, and she was surpisingly very forward, as though she and Momo were friends for ages. But that didn't bother the trainee, she could really use these hugs right now.

"I'm Seung Hae In, and it's a pleasure to finally meet you Momo, Harisu talks a lot about you. It's like she's talking about her daughter, she can't help herself” - Momo turned to Harisu who was blushing profusely.

Haein had a very... low voice, which bothered Momo a bit, but she knew it was rude to mention it. However, almost on queue, Haein smiled and started talking.

"Ah yes, my voice, I know what you're thinking. Truth is, Harisu did help me with voice training intially, but over time I realized I actually didn't dislike my normal talking voice, so I just stopped voice training. But yes, as I'm sure you've guessed, it does give me a lot of unwanted attention, especially in a country like Korea. Truth is, I’ve been a victim of verbal harassment many times, but it's just something I've learned to live with."

Hearing her story, Momo felt a hurricane of emotions. She felt empowered by how Haein decided to live life, saddened by how she got harassment just from being herself, intense anger towards the people that committed that harassment. But then Haein surprised her further.

"Actually Momo, to be able to live like this, I had to pick up a couple of skills. The first of which being blending in,” her voice changed to a much more feminine tone, “which I use if I think if I’m a very hostile environment –“ her voice went back to normal, “but I don’t like using it, I prefer my own, natural voice. And the second of which being self defense. I get catcalled frequently, but I can’t deal with that. An issue comes if they hear my voice, but most men don’t really put their money where their mouth is. They act tough, but even the most basic of self defense can make them completely powerless. And of course, they can't attack me without consequences, so I kick them in the nuts afterwards for even attempting to hurt me. Yes, they can press charges for assault, but they're too prideful and cowardly to admit they were beaten by a woman, so it's a fairly risk free punishment. And a very satisfactory one too. So there you have it dear, my peculiar day to day life.”

Momo was enjoying Haein's story a lot, and she kept smiling at how amazingly confident she was. She had never seen a more confident woman.

Then the doorbell rang. Harisu got up to open it, and there to greet her was a familiar face.

"Jo Kwon?!", Momo couldn't hide her surprise, it was actually Jo Kwon. THE JYP JO KWON. The Jo Kwon she had seen a couple of times, the 2AM member Jo Kwon.

"Hello Momo, I've seen you dance a few times," The _Jo Kwon _knew her name already. Momo was stuck between a fangirl moment, and the shock at the realization that he was apparently transgender? "So, since today is all about you, go ahead Momo, speak whatever you want."__

____

Momo was shy, but Harisu grabbed her hand and gave her a small encouraging nod. She built up the courage to start talking.

____

"Actually, I just want to hear your story. If you're here that means you're transgender, but you're dressed very casually and I'm confused. Does JYP know?"

____

"He does. I also had to hear the whole story of ‘getting outed will ruin your career bla bla bla'. But it doesn't matter anymore. You see sweetie, I'm genderfluid. That means my gender isn't stable, but is instead subject to change at all times, although from experience, it just seems to change between male and female. That did mean I felt some pretty intense dysphoria, it's not easy performing on stage like that when you're feeling a lot more like a woman you know... But I managed. And while I'm not out, I was able to actually have a lot of fun on stage, performing as Lady Gaga and other performances like that. Of course, then came all the ‘he's gay' comments and others like it, but that's just something you need to accept, you know. My point is, the more famous you are, the less power JYP has over you. And that's all you need to remember dear. I've seen you dance, and I've seen all the other trainees dance, but nobody is even remotely close to your level. A girl group needs a main dancer, so I'm absolutely sure that you'll make it. I know how hard idol life is, but from how much Harisu talks about you,” Harisu blushed again, “I know you have what it takes to succeed. It definitely won't be easy, but by staying true to yourself and surrounding yourself with people that love you, you will rise above all obstacles."

____

Initially Momo was smiling, but as Kwon kept talking, Momo started crying again. But they weren't sad tears this time. She was crying tears of happiness, because of how blessed she was from being surrounded by some many wonderful people. She had Sana and Momo all her life, and now she also had Harisu, the mother she never had. And today she met two new friends, the confident Haein and the one and only Jo Kwon. Hearing those words from a JYP idol did fill her with strength. They all did a big group hug with Momo included, and after a while, she stopped crying, wiped her tears, and mustered the brightest smile she could manage to her mom and her new friends before leaving.

____

As Momo arrived at her dorm room again, she was ready. She simply looked at Sana and Mina, smiled really brightly again, and nodded resolutely.

____

"I'm ready."

____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, another chapter finally here huh? Yeah, like always i take months to beat writer blocks, sorry about that.  
> But enough about that, i had a great time writing this fic actually. When i realized the direction i wanted to take it in, it was great to write. I made myself smile by making Harisu blush like a proud mom, and i somehow made myself cry at the end when Momo also started crying out of happiness. I didnt even know that could happen haha, it was quite an experience.  
> I also need to say that making a genderfluid character proved challenging. I did do my research, but as i was writing i kept thinking "but wait, is this really how it happens, am i wrongly assuming stuff?" and it left me very nervous to do, but in the end I think I did a fairly good job. If any of you are genderfluid though, be sure to tell me if I did anything wrong hehe
> 
> Hope you keep enjoying my content, comments and criticism are extremely welcome!
> 
>  
> 
> As usual, big special thanks to my friend apps (https://archiveofourown.org/users/candy_bong) especially so in this chapter, as she also helped me edit it, proof read it, and gave me ideas (it was her idea to make jo kwon a gender fluid character, cuz i was looking for another friend for Momo. It was honestly a brilliant idea, she's a genius) .


End file.
